As I have moseyed through life I was delighted to find that I was not the only dumb-ass ever born.
I should explain.
I have missed many “signs” in my life…signs in the form of “red flags” to warn me of people or situations I should’ve avoided, hints that I should have taken or signs that I just flat-out missed.
I don’t know how this happened, how I didn’t come equipped with something to see what the hell is actually going on.
I have offered up the excuse that I played by myself a lot as a child.
Maybe I'm just an idealist or i just don’t know what “normal” is. And then again, maybe I was supposed to learn this stuff as I went along.
Case in point: An encounter with a young woman at a New Year’s party at the dawn of 1976.
Some friends of mine and I had rented a huge function room at a hotel in the old hometown for “The Big Event.” Matter of fact that’s what we called it, “The Big Event.” We had even gotten rooms so we wouldn’t have to drive home that night. Friends I didn’t even know I had showed up for this big deal.
People strayed into our party dressed up for other parties in the hotel, they told me it looked like we were having more fun at our big bash. And they said the music was better. As usual I was the guy playing the music with a disc jockey setup.
Just after midnight this lovely young lady who was dressed in (what was to me) a dreamy Stevie Nicks-ish style came up to me.
Back then Stevie Nicks was the new lead singer for the band “Fleetwood Mac.” She arrived on the scene with an enchanting voice, winsome smile, dressed in shawls and flowy things and she danced round and round on the stage as the band played on.
She looked like she'd taken fashion hints from Stevie Nicks...
So here was this young lady at the New Year’s party and it looked like she had dressed for the occasion by taking some fashion hints from Stevie Nicks.
I mean I’d never seen her before and she was absolutely stunning.
To me, anyway.
After all I was a teenage boy and, at the time, thought all young women were stunning.
“Can I have the key to your room?” she said, looking me right in the eyes.
This was weird: why would she want the key to my room?
“Sure,” I said, “How come?”
“I…umm…need to use your bathroom,” she said, biting her lip, smiling slightly and looking off to the side.
“OK,” I said. So I gave her my key and she sauntered off.
Well, about a half hour passed by and I realized this girl had not returned with my key. I got my buddy Dax to take the DJ seat and I went up to my room.
The door was cracked open a bit and it was dark inside.
I pushed open the door and flipped on the light. And there…on my bed…in her clothes…lay this young lady. Obviously she had been waiting in my room in the dark.
“Hi, what’s up,” I asked.
She smiled at me, “I don’t feel like going anywhere tonight.”
With that she stretched out on the bed and put her arms back behind her head.
I guessed she was tired or something so I said, “Well, there are still plenty of rooms here in the hotel, they’re cheap tonight too…special rate.”
She sat bolt upright, looked at me and said, “I don’t believe it,” got up and left.
I watched her sashay down the hall.
“You really just wanted to use my bathroom?” I asked loudly.
She turned around and then was walking backward down the hall.
“You don’t look like a dumb-ass. I guess dumb-asses can look normal,” she said as she turned around and kept walking down the hall.
“You’re kinda weird,” I said loudly.
She stuck her hand in the air and flipped me the bird as she kept walking. It was a good bird too, knuckles forward, pointed at me.
I went back to the party to play some more tunes. Then by about 130 it was time to call it a night.
Afterward I was winding down, sitting around shootin’ the shit with my pals Dax and Dave.
“Man,” I said, “There was this weird chick…”
I then proceeded to tell them the tale of the girl in my room.
I finished the story.
My two pals just stared at me.
Then Dax started laughing, Dave was shaking his head.
“Dumb-ass,” said Dax, still laughing. “Does someone have to hold up a sign? She wanted to have sex…dumb-ass.”
“Man!” laughed Dave, “Offered up to you on a silver platter and you didn’t even realize it….MAN! I think she came to the party with Laura Whatshername. I think that was Laura’s cousin from around DC. You know I’ve heard about that. Chick comes up to you and asks for your room key you’re just supposed to KNOW, man.”
“Dumb-ass,” said Dax.
They stood up, still laughing, and walked on to their rooms.
I sat there for a few minutes by myself and thought about what I may have missed out on. I mean I MAY have missed out on a good time or I may have missed getting into trouble. I would never know.
I smiled…
It wasn’t the first time I’d missed out on “signs,” it wouldn’t be the last.
I don’t know if it’s a lot of people who miss hints, red flags and signs or just a few…
But since that New Year’s eve long ago I’ve found out at least I’m not the ONLY one.
*All names changed as a “cover my ass” maneuver…
“Can I have the key to your room?” she said, looking me right in the eyes.
This was weird: why would she want the key to my room?
“Sure,” I said, “How come?”
“I…umm…need to use your bathroom,” she said, biting her lip, smiling slightly and looking off to the side.
“OK,” I said. So I gave her my key and she sauntered off.
Well, about a half hour passed by and I realized this girl had not returned with my key. I got my buddy Dax to take the DJ seat and I went up to my room.
The door was cracked open a bit and it was dark inside.
I pushed open the door and flipped on the light. And there…on my bed…in her clothes…lay this young lady. Obviously she had been waiting in my room in the dark.
“Hi, what’s up,” I asked.
She smiled at me, “I don’t feel like going anywhere tonight.”
With that she stretched out on the bed and put her arms back behind her head.
I guessed she was tired or something so I said, “Well, there are still plenty of rooms here in the hotel, they’re cheap tonight too…special rate.”
She sat bolt upright, looked at me and said, “I don’t believe it,” got up and left.
I watched her sashay down the hall.
“You really just wanted to use my bathroom?” I asked loudly.
She turned around and then was walking backward down the hall.
“You don’t look like a dumb-ass. I guess dumb-asses can look normal,” she said as she turned around and kept walking down the hall.
“You’re kinda weird,” I said loudly.
She stuck her hand in the air and flipped me the bird as she kept walking. It was a good bird too, knuckles forward, pointed at me.
I went back to the party to play some more tunes. Then by about 130 it was time to call it a night.
Afterward I was winding down, sitting around shootin’ the shit with my pals Dax and Dave.
“Man,” I said, “There was this weird chick…”
I then proceeded to tell them the tale of the girl in my room.
I finished the story.
My two pals just stared at me.
Then Dax started laughing, Dave was shaking his head.
“Dumb-ass,” said Dax, still laughing. “Does someone have to hold up a sign? She wanted to have sex…dumb-ass.”
“Man!” laughed Dave, “Offered up to you on a silver platter and you didn’t even realize it….MAN! I think she came to the party with Laura Whatshername. I think that was Laura’s cousin from around DC. You know I’ve heard about that. Chick comes up to you and asks for your room key you’re just supposed to KNOW, man.”
“Dumb-ass,” said Dax.
They stood up, still laughing, and walked on to their rooms.
I sat there for a few minutes by myself and thought about what I may have missed out on. I mean I MAY have missed out on a good time or I may have missed getting into trouble. I would never know.
I smiled…
It wasn’t the first time I’d missed out on “signs,” it wouldn’t be the last.
I don’t know if it’s a lot of people who miss hints, red flags and signs or just a few…
But since that New Year’s eve long ago I’ve found out at least I’m not the ONLY one.
-30-
*All names changed as a “cover my ass” maneuver…
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