TALES OF THE SOUTHWEST: STUFF YOU CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY ON IN SANTA FE

The Plaza, downtown Santa Fe, New Mexico

By Grant McGee

It was what I called a “lightning trip” to Santa Fe.

I was living in Phoenix and knew a guy named Tom.  He had to make a run to Santa Fe to take a test for his New Mexico licensure which validated his Arizona teaching stuff or something like that.  All I knew is he was going to make the run from Phoenix to Santa Fe, take a test, then rocket back to Phoenix and he was looking for someone to ride along so it wouldn’t be so boring.

About 500 miles, about 8 hours each way.

“Sure, I’ll go,” I said.

I reckon I could write about the one-day adventure:  Hitting the interstate at 4am, rolling into Santa Fe around lunchtime, Tom taking his test then rocketing back to Phoenix by midnight.

I picked up a Santa Fe paper while I was in “The City Different” as they call it.  I amused myself with the articles…here was one about women awakening their inner she-wolf written by a woman who had had a mastectomy and covered the scar with a vine tattoo…here was another article about raising babies without diapers.  That if you just got in tune with your baby you would realize when they needed to “go” and the poop could go in a toilet and not sully the environment with another used disposable diaper.

But it was the ads that I found most interesting of all.

Ads for mostly “services” that people with copious amounts of money could spend their money on.

Aromatherapy.  Shiatsu I & II.  Santa Fe School of Healing.  COME TO THE SPRING PSYCHIC FAIR!  Know your “court card personalities” and how they affect your life…$25 registration fee, limited to 25 participants, session begins with a catered vegan buffet.

I wrote them down…

The School of Natural Healing…this city sure has a lot of “academies.”

Transformational Healing Therapy.  Kinesiology (workshops available).  Creative Core Energetics.  RHYTHM ART!  DRUMS AND GONGS!  COST $395 W/O ROOM AND BOARD.  GRADUATE AS A NATURAL THERAPEUTIC SPECIALIST.

Colon Therapy.  It would be years later that a dude at a party in Bisbee, Arizona would remark to me on how “high” he felt after having his colon cleansed, and how fascinating it was to observe his colon contents on display for him in an aquarium after the procedure.

“Excuse me,” I said.  “Someone is calling my name over here.”

More from the Santa Fe paper…BUY FRESH GOTU KOLA, FOR SALE IN MY SHOP, THIS IS THE KOLA FOR THE AQUARIAN AGE.  The Gurdjieff Movements, $485 tuition includes lunches, end of seminar traditional feast.  There was a picture of Mr. Gurdjieff from long ago, he wore a pointy hat.

And then there was a thank-you note in the paper…

“Thanks to all who made this possible for me, your income donated to me allowed me three days naked in the rain forest to help give me perspective to my life.  When I left they gave me vibhuti (holy ash) from Satya Sai Baba…I plan to spend the next 6 to 8 months in India visiting ashrams, trekking in Nepal and continuing my spiritual journey wherever that may lead.”

I tried to imagine me asking people for donations so I could wander the earth on my spiritual journey.  I couldn’t see this happening.

More commentary, more ads…

“To my surprise the native Maori are a warrior people!  I didn’t fee much attraction to them.”  “The author having her millet paste make-up done during the winter solstice festival.”

CREATE THE RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR DREAMS NOW!  Explore the essence of spirituality.  I AM AN EMPATH, $75 AN HOUR.  “She is a best-selling Native American writer of eastern tribe and European descent whose training began with Native Elders in Mexico where she journeyed into non-physical worlds.”

I can’t make this shit up.

Psychospiritual Healing!

Spritual Healing!

Psychic Surgery!

Practical application of gemstones and crystals for personal and planetary healing.  Ear Coning.  Vibrational healing.  Earn your apprenticeship in Color Puncture Catalyst for Transformation.  European medium available in Santa Fe.

Craniosacral therapy.

Then I put the paper down.

I closed my eyes, rubbed my eyelids and laughed.

“What,” asked Tom.

“All the bullshit you can spend your extra money on in Santa Fe,” I said with a smile.

“Who has extra money?”

“Ohh, you know,” I said.  “Trustafarians…”

“What’s that,” he asked.

“You know, people who live off trust funds.  They’re out there.  Trustafarians and people with lots of money in general and  people with extra money who need to fill a hole in their soul.”

“Who the hell has extra money like that?”

“Zackly,” I said.  “They basically just need to get out, grow up, live and be free.  But hell, if the people who spend money on this stuff stopped then I reckon the whole town of Santa Fe would blow away.”

“Naw,” said Tom.  “All the New Yorkers and Californians would leave and it would go back to being a New Mexican town.”

We both laughed.

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